Mindset Shift: You’re Single Until You’re Married
A man is not a plan
Most women want to be married. I would say everyone, but I know it’s not accurate to talk in absolutes. From the decisions a lot of women make in their lives, you could come to the conclusion that everyone wants - no needs - to be married. Otherwise, the way a lot of women act doesn’t make any sense at all?
One thing I want to clarify and put out there before I get to the rest of this post, is that this is not an article that puts the blame for bad marriages onto women. However, you cannot control what other people do, only yourself. Although, it is not your fault if you are treated badly or end up in an unfavourable situation, it is your responsibility for what you do upon being in that situation.
An important undercurrent to this blog post (and really the whole blog) is around the importance of having an internal locus of control versus an external locus of control. People with an external locus of control see life as happening to them and believe they have very little control over their life. People with an internal locus of control feel more empowered in their life as they are aware of and act on things within their realm of control. And you’re realm of control is often a lot bigger than it can seem. Now let’s get on to the good stuff!
You are single until you are married. This is an obvious truism but what I mean by this is that you are an individual person and should live and plan your life this way, until you get married … or die …or both! Women, especially Muslim women (and this may apply to women of other faiths), often have a “waiting for marriage” mindset where they life only fully starts once they are married. A commonplace idea you hear often is of parents telling their daughters that they can do that “thing” once they’re married. This mindset isn’t helpful at all for your life. Firstly, it can be really frustrating feeling like you can’t start your life until you’re married. More than this though, it keeps your life on pause until you are married and this is harmful for many reasons.
Ignorance is not bliss
When you possess the mindset I described above, you become ignorant to a lot of things that you need to do to live your life well. A good example of this is the lack of knowledge around personal finance for many women, which has contributed to a gap in retirement savings between the sexes. Muslim women also have expectations for their husbands to be financially responsible for them and their family. There’s nothing wrong with this expectation Islamically, however, if you don’t have knowledge and experience of what good personal finance looks like, how are you supposed to identify these qualities in a husband? On top of that, you don’t know when you may get married, so are you meant to miss out on contributing to your own retirement, for example, until you’re married?
You don’t know when it will happen
You don’t know when you will get married. God has written your destiny and whatever is meant to happen will happen in the best way for you in this life and the next. However, you don’t know when this time will be. You may get married in your 20s, 30s, 40s or beyond. You may potentially never get married. (Side note: if marriage is something you really want, with enough du’a [1] you will get what you want - so don’t stress.) However, I make the point of “you may never get married” to get you to start thinking about what your life would look like if you were single forever. What would this life ideally look and feel like? Start living like this now! You aren’t married now and don’t know when it will happen, so live as if you are going to be a spinster for life! Although, I would recommend having another life plan in mind for if you get married and/or have a family. This is what I would recommend:
Plan A = how you would you live your life If you never get married
Plan B = how you would live your life with a husband and/or children
An Alternative Mindset
Live your life on plan A until you meet someone suitable and then you can switch to plan B. It’s helpful to know what you would want your life to look like as a married woman versus single, since the two can be quite different depending on your preference. For example, if you are single you are likely working and supporting yourself, but if you were to get married, you may want to become a stay at home mum/housewife. Even if it is not as big of a difference as this, there will definitely be changes to your life when you are married so it’s helpful to think through your plan B life as well.
So what is it that you need to switch from plan A to plan B? Living your life fully when you are single will help you to figure out what it is that you need from your husband to live a happy plan B life. Not knowing what you want from marriage and having a “waiting for marriage” mindset will increase your chances of ending up in a harmful marriage. You will be less likely to think rationally and notice red flags in a potential partner and as a result end up in an utter nightmare.
A Shift to a New Mindset
It’s normal to want to be married, but if you are honest with yourself, you want a specific kind of marriage. This will look different for all women as we have our own wants and needs. Think about what it is that you really want out of marriage and live your life for yourself before meeting someone who is a good fit for you.
I’m proposing a “single until married” mindset over a “waiting until marriage” mindset for all the benefits I’ve mentioned above. But if you’d like a re-cap of these benefits, here they are:
You have the ability to take care of yourself
You are able to assess potential partners in a better way, from a place that does not include desperation
Whether you get married or not, you will live a good life
You are able to bring helpful knowledge into your marriage and work together to create a healthy, happy family
Your life does not start once you are married. You were born alone in this life and you will go alone. Figure out how you want your life to be, your marriage (a good one inshallah [2]) will be an additional part of your life. If you’re not careful though, it could subsume your whole life and burn it to the ground.
Footnotes
[1] Prayer
[2] Means “God willing”